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I've been thinking on your reply for a bit. I think it's interesting, you say you feel dead when you aren't happy. For me, happy and blah have the same dead feeling. Not that I'd rather be bored or uninterested all the time, as opposed to doing something enjoyable. But happiness doesn't leave a deep enough impression on me to take away that "dead" feeling. I guess you could say the joy isn't a severe enough degree. It's the pain, that ripping, heartbreaking, would-rather-be-stabbed-to-death-than-feel-this kind of pain that really hits me hard enough to snap me out of Zombie mode. That kind of pain tells me "you're still breathing, you can still bleed, now wake up and do something about it."

Typing this, I sound severely depressed. But I'm not, which is the weird thing about it. I think that's why the pain is the awakener for me. I'm at that borderline of satisfied and/or happy-for-now with my life, and like I said, life just isn't hard enough for me. I don't have to work very hard to be satisfied, so happy is just as mundane as getting up every morning to brush my teeth. It's too common an occurance, so it's an average feeling, nothing new, it's become a boring feeling. It sounds incredibly abnormal, and I'm sure some people would probably die to feel happy all the time, at the least, satisfied. But I also feel way too many emotions; just like people who can't feel that many at once, they don't understand how I can be happy all the time. I don't either, so that just makes it that much harder to explain when everyone else around me is down in the dumps about not having Christmas money or gas money. My mom wonders all the time why I don't stress over not having recreational money, or barely making ends meet. I just CAN'T, I don't know how to stress over that stuff. I started seeing a great counselor, and he's trying to get me to work through how I can not feel so much, not let the emotions get too deep (from my custody battle)...I think my custody battle is something I'm keeping up, because the effects of that is like Hell on my heart and mind...but it's letting me know I'm still here. Before I had to start going to court, I just woke up, took care of my son, then went to bed every night. I had nothing to keep me going; enough routine and I can walk around with my eyes closed, you know?

It's a very weird feeling to know I have to purposely invent my own traumas just to remind myself I exist.